Thursday, April 15, 2010

Off to the hospital

Emergency appointment today, and I'm scared. I'm afraid they won't be able to stop this regression into anxiety disorder and depression. I would even go into the hospital willingly--something they had to arrest me to accomplish last time.

I'm afraid I'll stay like this. I'm afraid my family will never see the "real" me again. I'm not used to being afraid, but I'm terrified. I have no optimism or belief I will recover from this. I'm miserable, going on and fighting only for my family and God. I'll keep fighting for them, but I'm afraid it will be always as...this. Not a person.

I don't deserve better. They do. Loved ones will stay that way--because I truly do love you. And I'm not going anywhere. Bipolar took Dad. No ******* way it takes me, too. I just don't like what it's making me.

Noon today. I pray they can help me.


  1. Joe, you know I think of you as a friend, and am always praying for you and your family.

  2. You ARE a person. Real people feel like this all the time. Some of us are lucky enough to be able to trace the feeling to its causal roots and some of us have physiological reasons for feeling what you do. No matter how alone you feel, you're not the first/only person to ever feel it.

    It is horrible but it is not permanent. I hope you have made it some of the way back out by now.