REVOLUTIONARY WAR WAS FOUGHT BY A BUNCH OF LAZYKINS

I am seriously rapid-cycling right now, so all of the coherence I had hoped to post with is not jiving. I can't find the notebook I write informative posts in when I'm actually cognizant, so I'll go on a minor rant.

I was watching Mel Gibson's The Patriot while doing laundry, and, like everyone else that studies the warfare of the time, I just remembered how stupid their battles were. Thank goodness for guerrilla tactics. Not many Americans can afford tea in this economy.

Anyway, I think the whole thing was laziness:

Redcoat chases Colonial. They both stop, stooped with palms on knees, trying to catch their breath.

Redcoat: "You can just go, man. I'm tired of running in this uniform."

Colonial: "I'm tired of running, too."

Both stand, panting.

Redcoat: "There has to be an easier way. You wanna just stand still and shoot at each other?"



And so musket warfare was born.

Yes, I know it was fought like that for years before the Revolutionary War. Stop harshing my history buzz.


The main thing I don't understand is how they determined where the fight would take place. It wasn't always done with one army marching to the other's camp. They pre-arranged some. Did they call each other?

Cell phone rings.

Unnamed Colonial Officer: "Hello?"

Cornwallace: "Hey, it's Cornwallace."

UCO: "Oh. Hey." *voice is obviously miffed he answered the phone*

Cw: "So, uh, you doing anything Sunday?"

UCO: "Oh, gee, uh...I don't know. I'll have to check with my wife. I don't think so, but she may have made plans already--"

Cw: "Whatever, dude. You're lying cause you don't want to do anything. If you had plans, you'd know. Look, there's an empty field that would be perfect for a battle."

UCO: "I don't know, man. Last time we did that a whole bunch of people shot each other.

Cw: "Seriously? You're going to bail on me? We agreed it would happen. My men are going to look awful stupid standing out there in bright red coats and white pants with no one on the other end."

UCO: "Dude, you want us to line up across a field and shoot at each other. And die. We're both going to look silly if we do that."

*long pause*

Cw: "But you'll be there, right?"

CLICK