Friday, March 12, 2010

Wanting To Die Is Different Than Being Suicidal--but the blog still sits stagnant

So I've been out of sorts for several weeks. How much? The psychiatrists want me to go to the ER. I can make it to my appointment next Thursday, though. If I go to the ER, and they lock me up, my family cannot afford the missed pay. It's torture, working. Being at work. TORTURE. I work with the customers, too. I sit at me desk and shake and sometimes cry and always want to walk out and go to the ER just so someone--ANYONE!-can fix me.

Do I want to die? Tough, tough question. Yes, just so it will stop hurting inside. But I'm not suicidal. I will NEVER leave my family. My dad did, even though it wasn't his fault (his med combo was just...wrong. It destroyed him. Yes, he was bipolar). My meds are not enough. All four of them. So I know what it was like to lose him, and I would never do that to my family. But I'm breaking.

So there you go. This is what it's like when someone falls into a crippling depression. They're crippled. They can't solve simple problems. I used to be smart and funny. Witty. Full of encouragement for others, though not myself. I don't do anything now. Not write or pay bills or play video games or watch the Cavs (favorite past time at my house) or movies or wrestle with my son or even check my e-mail. I sit and shake because of the anxiety, and take my sedative early so I can sleep. For some reason, it goes away just before I fall asleep.

Not even proofreading this post. Took me days to be able to type it.

6 comments:

  1. Joe,
    I'm so sorry. I'm trying to be a writer, and I have benefited so much from the advice you and Lydia have given. For what it's worth, I'm very grateful that you and she are around. You make a big difference for other writers, whether or not it's ever stated in the blog comments (in fact, my writer's group has a link to your other site from ours: www.theinkphantom.com-it's brand new so there hasn't been a lot of action on it yet, but we'll be pointing other writers your way as often as possible). Just thought you should know that people are rooting for you. :)

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  2. I'm a better person for knowing you, Joe. I'm with Annie; I'm rooting for you.

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  3. There's nothing that I can say to make the pain stop. I've been in similar places--eh--I know it's not really the same. Not really. But I do know what it's like to be in psychological anguish where you're trying to make yourself feel differently than you actually do for the people that you love.

    When things got really hard, I honestly believe the only thing that got me through it was discovering even a semblance of hope, like a little glimmer of light leading the way out of the tunnel when the pain would stop or at least lessen. Most of the time it was a false lead, but it got me on to the next day and the next. And eventually it did get better.

    There are so many things worth living for. In my opinion, the fact that you're willing to continue through all of this for your family is endearing. I can tell that you're a really good person. And that's the part of you that's really you, like who you really are. Not all the parts you can't control. You're a man who's willing to suffer for your wife and child, and that is something truly special.

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  4. I can tell that you are very strong. Things are always better on the other side of this, and I know you know this. I have been through phases where I couldn't even get out of bed or off the couch myself. At one point I didn't even work. I don't think I can prescribe a cure-all for everyone, but I think that you can make it through this.

    I don't want to say anything offensive because I know your pain is real. I was diagnosed as bipolar too but like many with the diagnosis I didn't want to take medication and I wanted to try to work through the problem myself and figured I would be able to fix it. I still think I may have been misdiagnosed, because although I had serious emotional problems I think it was situational, not chemical. So our problems may not be the same. But one of the main things I told myself was "mind over matter". I still went and have been through some very down times. I'm action-oriented, so it makes me feel better to DO things . . . even if it may take days or even weeks before I realize it or know what to do. For example, after my grandma died in January, I came the closest to losing emotional control than I have in a very, very long time. The only thing that finally helped was going to her grave and "talking" to her. And of course even today it's still hard, but I don't feel like I'm falling apart anymore or that I'm alone in the world and etc.

    I'm sure this is different from your situation, but I think maybe if even one little idea may help, or that if at least you know people who are willing to encourage you, it can give you strength!

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  5. I don't have personal experience with this so I have nothing to offer aside from well wishes. No advice, no "what worked for me was...", nothing. I cannot imagine.

    I'm so glad you have your family as an anchor during this time and pulling for you to crest this wave so you can enjoy them.

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