Note to self: make sure you have sausage and biscuits before Sunday morning, as family's expecting sausage gravy and biscuits on Sunday morning means a groggy trip to the grocery store.
A few observations. Turn the channel if you're easily offended:
The Girl Scouts outside the grocery store selling their cookies are evil. And a special kind of evil; the kind that can't be killed. I'm not saying I feel some obligation to NOT chuck a hatchet at them from a safe distance, I'm saying it would do no good. I do not believe we've invented weapons that can take them out. Everyone knows I am EXTREMELY sensitive to children being hurt. But these are no children, not in the purest sense. Monsters, these are. Monster puppets controlled by their mastermind rich white scheming mothers.
Monsters that were, in this case, out of Samoans. Perhaps I'll toss a hatchet to test my theory. "Would I like to buy some cookies other than Samoans? Sure. Can I pay in...HATCHET!?"
*THWACK!*
Nope. Didn't kill her. And she's still trying to peddle those nasty Snickerdoodles.
I also saw a midget today. Must be hard to be a midget. All that glaring. Even today, we stare at what's different. I've made a pact with myself to call the next midget I see, "Peck". Yes I know Peck was a dwarf. Same thing. Val Kilmer certainly didn't care about the difference. Neither do I.
So I'm going to call him Peck, and then punch the first person that laughs, thereby ingratiating myself to Peck. Because I defended him. I'm a large, protective monster in my own right (one not afraid to chuck ineffectual hatchets at Girl Scout Monsters), and I can keep others from laughing at the poor little midgety-dwarf guy.
Don't argue. I do this crap all the time, and it always works. Trust me. What makes me, me. :)
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I chortle with laughter. And I agree wholeheartedly about the Samoans. I like Tag-A-Longs, too, but not the dry peanut butter cookies. They always try to bait and switch you, don't they? Insidious, the lot of them, with their snaggle tooth grins and jaunty berets.
ReplyDeleteI think this post is worthy of the "Joe Randomness" Hall of Fame.
ReplyDeleteHoly. Expletive.
From start to finish, this is pure awesomesauce.
Haha, Laurel! Insidious indeed.
ReplyDeleteLydia, I believe my blog to be an awesomesauce free zone. I'll have to check the by-laws.
Bwahahahahaha!
ReplyDeleteSamoas are, by far, my favorite cookie. Well, Thin Mints aren't really that far behind, and you get a lot of those per box. Makes you feel like you're really pigging out when you eat six or a dozen.
GS snickerdoodles are not to be spoken of. Only real snickerdoodles are worth anything, and only when I'm in the mood.
Sorry, I used to be one of those little snaggle-toothed sales girls, only I wasn't very good at it. My best sales came from my mom taking my sister and I around to the fraternity and sorority houses at our local university and from my dad taking an order form to work. Cookies have really jumped in price since then. Drat to yet another sign that I'm getting old.
Oh, and hard to go wrong with a reference to Willow. Hahahahahaha!
*carves Jaleh into hatchet*
ReplyDeleteI mean, good. Good you used to sell those cookies!