Today is my first psych appointment in 3 months. The meds haven't been working well, and...well, my options are to say nothing and keep going dead inside and depressed, drop the med altogether, or start over on a new med, not knowing what it will do. I've had some very bad reactions, behaviorally, to some dosages of certain medications.
What is really frustrating me is that this combination--an "atypical" antipsychotic, lithium, and a sedative/mood stabilizer--worked so well at times I was actually hopeful I could get better. I want it to work so well, I'm not ready to give up on it.
But it's not working anymore. And that's not cool, because lithium is the one drug that has the highest chance of making someone "normal", without hardly any symptoms of the disease. If it works for that person.
I will get into the medications more in subsequent posts, but for now, I have a very bad feeling about this appointment. I haven't been able to afford the sedative they prescribed for 6 months now. So I'm not sleeping very well (2-4 every 3 days, for some periods), and I'm cranky because of that. On top of my usual manic aggression.
The combination of the lithium and lamotrigine was working so well, I was sleeping normally, without need of something to knock me out. I felt good. Not giddy or hyper or manic. Things that should have made me happy did. Things that should have irritated me did. I felt...normal.
And then it stopped working, and all of that optimism came out from underneath me, like a rug jerked by a gorilla trying to practice his tablecloth-pulling skills. Only I'm the china dishes. And he didn't leave me on the table. Sent me flying across the room, actually.
So do I get back on the table and hope the lithium gorilla eventually gets it right?
I just have a very bad feeling about this appointment. If I tell the doctors everything I've been thinking these past three months, I know red flags will go up. And I'm not going back into the hospital. Period. My wife won't be there to deter me from letting the 5 cops there to "escort" me out that I will not be going with them. Emphatically.
Just have a very bad feeling.
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ReplyDeleteHey it's Tera..I suffer from A.D.D. and depression as well, but just wanting to quickly let you know that my mom recently got this herbal medication for me that is said to be #1 dr. recommended. It's called PETA , happy, calm, and focused,...well it says that on the bottle underneath PETA. Anyway I really can't tell so far but maybe I haven't given it time to get in my system. Just thought I'd put that out there.
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