So I have to go through the process of another med. I call it a process because they always introduce a baby dose of a new med, then increase it slowly. Like, over months. It took about five months to realize the positive results I was getting with the addition of the lithium was limited to a month or so after each increase. It worked, and then said never mind.
Unfounded optimism, in my opinion, is more dangerous and unsettling than constant discouragement.
I really dislike the medication they're adding (and are going to gradually drop the lithium--it may hit a happy medium in there, we may take it away completely), and I honestly don't think I'll be on it for very long. The side effects just clash with the personality my bipolar has taken.
Regardless, I told the psych team I have no idea where to go from here, and they put me on Abilify. So I get to start all over again with a new drug. Yippee.
I really don't believe I'm going to ever get better. I will never regain the talent I once had, will probably never take renewed interest in everything I've quit, and will never be able to push out of this job and into one that actually pays all the bills. Oh, I wanted to believe it, but people like me should know better than to follow pipe dreams. Only leads to disappointment.
I go on, cause I have a gorgeous wife and adorable son, but they're really the only thing that alleviates the pain of...well, being me.
I'm going to stop the search for being happy for reasons independent of them. It's just too tiring, and I'm not really in the mood for more failure.
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Joe, I truly hope things improve for you.
ReplyDeleteActually, things aren't bad. Just no sign of anything getting better.
ReplyDelete